Oh my God, FINE. I will help you with your profile

Which one are you on — Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Match … all of them? Farmer’s Only? Really? But you’re … okay, buddy. No, I hear ya. We can do this.

Let’s start with the basics: If you are going to take a mirror selfie, look to see what you’re actually showing. Like, your whole room. Look. Are you sure you want to wear … wait. Are you okay? You only wear tank tops and basketball shorts when you’re sad. Are you sure you want to do this now?

You do?

Okay. Do you need a hug? No?


So, look. Look at this pic here. You see that? Yeah, gross. At least put the lid down. Are you picking up what I’m laying down?

Maybe I should just take your picture. Want to come outside with me? No? Maybe later.

Oh, honey, I totally agree. She was a mess. I remember! The thing with her friend and her sister and your car. Ugh, it was so hard. But you’re okay now! No, I know, you’re over it. You’re so over it. We’re all so over it. But when you say “save the drama for your mama,” a few things happen. First, you are announcing to strangers that you have handled challenges poorly in the past. And that you aren’t in a place where you can get to know someone a little and get a sense of them and make a determination about how healthy a choice they are for you. And … ::whispers:: you kind of sound like a dick.

Sorry. Here, let me get you a beer.

So, skip that drama disclaimer. No, no. You don’t have to include your school. I get it! You’re right. It’s really easy to google someone from a dating app. Just leave it blank. I’m serious. School of Hard Knocks University of Life only tells people that you are kind of secretive. Or ::whispers:: that dick thing. SORRY!

What do these numbers mean? Measurements and … is that a credit score? Oh, honey. Oh, sweetie. Do you know that you are 50? You’re 50, now. Remember, we went on that 50-mile ride and everybody picked up your tab and Evelyn baked you a cake? So, like, everybody your age. Sure, fine, you’re right — OUR age. Everybody our age is divorced. And divorced women your age — OUR AGE — Shhh! Let me finish! They’ve been through it. Maybe they stuck with someone too long. Maybe they sank their lives into kids and homes and then were dumped with no career track in place. Maybe their exes blew their nest eggs. Maybe their exes friggin’ DIED of expensive cancer. Hey, don’t forget — I’m driving you to your colonoscopy on the 14th. Yeah, I love you, too.

My point, though. My point is, don’t joke about finances to a middle-aged woman who is getting her life back together. It ain’t lube, sugar. It ain’t. Haha, yeah. Nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. Yeah, I remember that one. From 1982. Ha. No, don’t write that. You see rape culture … um, alcohol … um, healthy … yeah, just. Trust me. “High-functioning alcoholic who is sex-positive.” Ha! That’s good. Actually, it kind of isn’t. What happens in your kitchen stays in your kitchen, okay? Don’t put that on your profile. You won’t like where that takes you.

Also, those measurements … well, let me refer you back to this selfie … okay, sorry. That was mean. But seriously, the lid!

Sapiosexual. Ha. The new “foodie.” Don’t say foodie, honey — it isn’t 1996. No, for real! Everybody not only cooks — they have friggin’ cooking shows. I know! You’re right! You don’t mess around. I’ve had your mushroom risotto and it’s amazing. You’re the real thing. I’m just saying, it’s dated. Foodie isn’t the point — I’m trying to tell you that
“sapiosexual” is overused and kind of meaningless.

No no! I saw that message! STOP. Stop typing while I’m helping you. UGH. You offered to wait while she looks up THE most trendy word in dating, and it is a portmanteau of two Latin roots. A fifth-grader could figure that out. You want to meet somebody smart, but that’s a really dumb thing to say.

Ohhhh! What did she say! “Why don’t you look up condescending ass.” Ha, that’s pretty good, but I don’t think you can work with it. Just let it go.

No! Stop! Okay, I’m holding your phone now. STOP. STAHP. Nope. I’m going to freeze it in a block of ice in your freezer if you … you can’t be mean to someone and expect them to go out with you! Okay, that’s better. Thanks.

Here. Look at her! She seems cool. Awwww, look at that dog! You can ask her what her dog’s name is, or how old. That is definitely the Ponte Vecchio. You could ask what her favorite restaurant in Florence is. Do you want me to just …

Oh. You went with “Hey.” Huh.

Okay, sugar. You know what? I love you. I really do! You’re one of my best friends, and I really want to help. I just need to sit down for a minute. Maybe later we can take some pictures of you?

After, like, you change into clothes. …. No? Okay, buddy.


About pantsinspace

I'm an inch deep and a mile wide. Not literally. But literarily, sure.
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